August 13th, 2008

Below is the text from the first performance of Shredder:

I would like to thank you all for coming out to celebrate the SHRED! I have invited some of the most ridiculous shredders i have ever met and I see a few i have never met. I have invited you here tonight to repeat an epic battle that has waged on for centuries , always through the back channels and under bellies of society. We are not the first, nor the last shredders to battle it out for title of the ULTIMATE SHREDDER!

It all began in the 2nd Century with Lu Bu. The Grand Father of Shred, He was an unstoppable juggernaut on not only the battle field, slaying thousands of ancient Chinese warriors, but also in the bed room and the bar stool. His ambition could not be stopped, he shredded for the land and the people. Lu Bu lite the lands on fire with his spirit and his actions. Many shredders have followed in his footsteps. Jimmy Hendrix and his flaming ax, Chuck Norris would often kick enemies repeatedly while shredding shredding on a sweet guitar. Some Champions of Shred were misunderstood by society and even label as evil by the media and television networks. Like Shredder leader of the foot clan. The evil TMNT were always trying to stop his sweet parties. Seriously how fucking rad was their hangout; video games, half pipes, ninjas… SERIOUSLY misunderstood shredder! R Kelly shredded so much VaJayJay, that the Man had to try and frame him, in an attempt to incarcerate him, so he would stop bangin all of their hoochie daughters.

Which brings us to here tonight. I have been shredding since the dawn of my time. I was born with a joint in one hand and a shot of tequila in the other. But I did not consume them, because i was too young. They were gifts for my mom, to say thanks and to let her now that the party was here. Back then i was too weak to shot gun a sparks. But now… but i am a strong man. I am a strong man on fire. At 28, I am clearly the ultimate shredder of all of the lands. It is rumored that women climax two or three times just from making out with me. My shredding ambitions stem from my DNA, infused with Lu Bu’s Shredssence.n

As you may know the fires at my birth lands used to burn bright with the flames of shred, but in my absence they have since dimmed. I must leave Portland, to shred in a far off land, a place with that gave us a president, the worlds largest watermelon, and scottie pippen….Arkansas. But I will not leave Portlandia, my surrogate mother, with no fire at her side. So, tonight, my BETCHES, I ask of YOU! Who has the eternal shred within them? Ye who can bear the weight of the eternal flame of shred. I have constructed this torch to ease its burden. But let me warn you, young Shredis, it is not unlike the One Ring that froto had to carry. Like Atlas must hold up the world, the Flame must continue to burn. It is a laborious task, but gravely important, none the less. Even for me, this summer of shredding has had its costs. People have been hurt people, hearts have been broken. Sorry Willow.

But to FULLY Shred, is like a moment of zen. Untouchable and timeless, a perfect moment. Shredding transcends the whammy bar, rumber parties, decapitating ancient Chinese Warriors, half pipes, and threesomes. Shredding is a state of mind, a mantra to live by. Tonight we are the embodiment of shredding. I’m my mind you are all ultimate shredders. But THIS isn’t about me. . After I leave Portland there is only person strong enough to bear the weight of the Flame. There can be only one ultimate shredder….... And that person, isn’t actually a person at all, She is actually a ridiculous booze slaying robot, she is Rumberhontis, Carrie P.